…Is not something you can call me. Even though after thousands of years of evolution, my nervous system still cannot tell the difference between being torn apart by a saber toothed tiger instead of just visiting my parents for 72 hours, I continue to choose freeze instead of flee. I am making peace with this choice instead of being constantly disappointed by it. They say our identities are a result of a finely crafted cocktail of biology and culture. My bartenders raised me in a culture where the recipe was a loose variation of impress others but don’t make it look hard, and never change. It was so confusing that a promptly (before I turned 10 even) lost any desire or imperative to be anything in particular. I did not know the term fuck it then, but I was saying exactly that. These days I believe it is called surrender, and all of a sudden it is a good thing. I marvel at all these type A pals of mine, with which I get along with stupendously I might add, trying to ease up and coast, and I wish we could barter. I could use some type A and they could use some FTS and walk away. Calmly. Because that is the trick. You cannot be all hyper and guilty and over explainy about walking away. It is shudder for a sec, and then sit an listen to the judgements with blocking aids at first but later it really becomes equanimity, I promise. So how is this about yoga you might ask. Well in the case of yours truly here, the only way to practice and be friends with people who are mostly yoga teachers or should be, is being comfortable with not having or not being. Yesterday I had many maintenance related tasks to do in order to have an up to date and organized existence. I ditched it all to read, and later on make this:
It was only fun because I sincerely said FTS to chores, to following the convoluted geometric directions I found on line, and used markers so I would not have to clean up. Maybe not even remotely related, but some of you might want to read that Patty Smith interview on Medium. and this too, because it was what sort of got me going on about calmly performing FTS with sincerity and devotion.
I could have used path maintenance or route or road, but I like a nice hike on a well marked trail. They don’t stay like that if someone does not cut back overgrown brush and repaints the signs, and removes fallen logs and rolling rocks. I feel like that is what Gregor Maehle has done for me in the interview he gave for Claudia Azula Altucher’s podcast. I know that this is probably the 4th time that I have mentioned it in social media, but we really do re-hatch and re- visit the same same over and over when we blog about what some call “our yoga journey”. So when new knowledge or perspective comes along it is at least for me, kind of very exciting. They way I write will not do justice to all the themes that are covered in the podcast. But suffice it to say that if you got stuck in the obsessive maintenance and smooth running of your vehicle ( which is a skill and work ethic I both admire and envy) but you forget where it is you heading with it, his is a very generous and valuable reminder of where the markers are in case you misplaced the map or are have been winging it (which is just another way of arriving really). I listened to the podcast without having read Gregor’s book on meditation. It is on order and this one is not going into the kindle.
I’ll say this about winter, ice and snow: It will reinforce or destroy your practice. In my case, reinforce thank goodness, but I’ll tell you what, timing is everything because I know that two or three years ago? It would have totaled it. I then had an adolescent crush on the practice, the community, and the hype (Ashtanga is the true yoga, because parampara, the count, the Sanskrit, the invocation,the Nag Champa, bla bla bla). If I did not get reinforcement, I’d lose hope and would almost need to feel that my love and attention had to be reciprocated. This winter I am less anxious about being marked absent (as if!) at the shala, and more concerned with being present for whatever time period I am willing to be alone with what shows up during asana. I am also not surprised that 2105 being year 7 (you know it takes +- 7 years for the cells of your body to “regenerate”)is when I decided to blurt a yes to India, even though I am yet to say yes to Mysore. I have never been really comfortable sharing the thought of -why spend all that money if I’m going to be stopped at Mari D and I might never in this lifetime make it past Mari D? Which is still an embarrassing thought, but there you have it. I will always participate and pay my dues in order to benefit from my beautiful sangha/shala community but I am glad that I have progressed from crush to mature love affair which can be sustained without party tricks.
…The final frontier. Hahahaha old dork, sorry. I have ended up commenting on more than one site singing the praises of the Kon Mari method. Sometime in December almost every friend in my circle (local & cyber) simultaneously decided to check out this book:
After finishing it round the first week of January, I still had not developed the nerve to do things exactly as she wanted me to, until now. I had to buy a new tank of gas just from making trips to the goodwill and to the dump. Mostly to the dump. I also realized that I had been used in the past as a dumping ground for well meaning friends and family, who once heard me say I loved pitchers, owls, images of Buddha Shakyamuni, or know that I practice yoga give me everything they find with with the OM symbol. Some of the stuff was in the category of “this is sterling silver/Limoges/100+ years old whatever, and I don’t want it! So I need you to keep it so I can feel okay about it” Let’s be mindful of what we give each other, lest it becomes a well intentioned burden! This book is longer than it needs to be, but you know what? As I was reading it I finally understood why the inhalation and exhalation/ creating sound obsession when doing asana. We are making room for the shape to take form! If you practice in front of a teacher, they are holding space so you can in turn, create space within yourself to create the movement. Oh, and I wont lie, Marie is okay with taking to inanimate objects and she actually encourages it. I have been mortified since childhood thinking that I was being creepy.
If you have the good fortune to have spent some time learning from the same teacher, you will find that many times she provides answers through synchronicity. A few weeks ago I was a little lost in general. and this appeared on the dry wall at the entrance of our shala:
And don’t drink the bath water either. I realize there are some of you who are not on Facebook, so I am sharing Matthew Remski’s latest post here. It really captures what many of us are grappling with right this minute. I once read a comment where someone said Matthew doesn’t write, that he just types. Don’t I wish I could type like this then. Please understand that this is not an indictment on how you spend your time or how much time you spend doing what you do. It is about follow up. Doing asana, meditating, and buying organic fair trade while doing little else is like getting all dressed up to stay in your bedroom. Nothing wrong with that, but sometimes you just have to go outside.
OMG look at what I just went and did: